The Real World's Zoo
by Constalina
Summary: Fox invents something up, a portal that can teleport the Smashers to the real world! Master Hand gets an idea and tells them all that they're going to go to a zoo! But will he regret that decision... Not really, he's a hand.
1. The Insanity of Waking Up

**Author's note: **Out of honesty, I don't give crap that I haven't finished my other fic. No one cares what I write. I'd just think it's funny to see how the Smashers cope in the real world… Anyhoo, enjoy! (Melee Smashers are included)

_Super Mario Bros dorm…_

"Everyone get up!" screamed Fox, waking up all the Super Mario Bros characters. It's a shame that they share a room, they only good thing was that the boys get to watch Peach get naked. I didn't say who it was good for.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!" screeched Bowser. Fox shrugged.

"Master Hand's orders, in the meeting room," Fox said, pointing out the door.

"What is it now?" snapped Dr. Mario. Fox glared at him.

"If you are dying to know, I spent all night creating an invention."

"Anything new?" moaned Luigi. Fox took out his gun and set Luigi's ass on fire.

"Anyway, it can teleport us to the real world." Mario, who was drinking coffee, spit it all over Peach, who started whining that she cleaned herself yesterday.

"Shut up you retarded bitch!" snapped Bowser.

"You shut up, coffee brain!" retorted Peach. Everyone in the room sweatdropped, besides Peach. (I have this thing with coffee.)

"What an original comeback," muttered Dr. Mario.

"Shut up and get dressed," said Fox, leaving the room. As he walked down the hall, he heard Peach scream 'BANANAS ROCK!'. Fox facepalmed.

"If rocks had brains, they'd be a million times smarter than her," he muttered. He heard giggling coming from C. Falcon's room.

_F-Zero room… _(Well there's only one person in it anyway…)

Falco was trying to suppress his laughter as C. Falcon was sleep talking.

"Mummy, I wet my pants," murmured C. Falcon. "I love Samus, she's fucking hot… Bananas shall rule the world…"

"'Bananas shall rule the world'?" came a voice from behind Falco. Falco jumped from shock and smashed his head in the celing, thus waking up C. Falcon. He turned around to see Fox glaring at him.

"Banamus is fucking hot yellow!" screamed C. Falcon. Falco burst into laughter.

"When were you going to wake him up?" asked Fox.

"Right after he swears a million times," said Falco. Fox rolled his eyes and left the room.

(Okay, I'm skipping some dorms/rooms…) _Legend of Zelda dorm…_

Fox entered the dorm to see that everyone was already awake. And in utter chaos.

"Wah! Ganondorf won't give me my banana!" wailed Toon, while Young Link comforted him. Link was chasing after Ganon, who was holding the banana, like a maniac, and Zelda was sitting on her bed, eye twitching. Fox sighed.

In the LOZ dorm, there drama was a natural occurence. Either its Link screaming that Ganon tried to chop his left hand off, or Zelda punching the crap out of Link for peeking in the shower, or Toon and Young being victimized by Ganon. (Man, I make it seem as though Ganon rapes the poor kids…) The only dorm that was more insane than the LOZ dorm, was the Fire Emblem dorm.

"Do I need to ask?" said Fox exasperatedly.

"TL was about to eat a banana when Ganon grabbed it, and started screaming about something called the 'Banana Revolution'. Then Link yelled 'You shall not pass!' and chased Ganon."

"Damn Link and his 'Lord of the Rings' obsession."

"The only thing he doesn't have that's 'Lord of the Rings' are the books. Roy somehow managed to convince him that if you read, you become an angel." Fox sweatdropped.

"Isn't Pit offended?"

"No, he hasn't heard it yet. Anyway, it's not like he's going to do anything, too damn optimistic."

"Why is Link scared of becoming an angel? Wait, don't answer that." Fox was starting to tire of the screams, so he took out his gun, and banana went everywhere, except on Zelda's things, because she used her magic. "Get dressed, Master Hand wants us."

Just as he left the dorm, and explosion was heard in the halls. Smoke was coming out of the FE dorm, and Roy, half naked, sped through the hallway. Everyone, including the LOZ dorm, looked out to see what was happening.

"HAHALALAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I NOW OWN MARTH'S UNDERWEAR!! LALALALALA!!" announced Roy crazily. No one seemed to mind, Roy has some mental issues in the morning. His already drugged brain was craziest in the morning. That's why everyone wakes the FE dorm last.

"Master Hand wants us!" called Fox.

'Okay! Let me bury Marth's underwear first!" called Roy. Marth came running out of the FE dorm.

"Roy, you stupid idiot! If you get one mark on my underwear…!" he screamed. Marth and Pit were the only ones who either didn't want to swear, or just couldn't. Ike walked slowly after the insane swordsman and the agitated prince.

"What did I do to deserve this? Does it have anything to do with the bus?" he mumbled. He spotted the pokemon and froze. No one knew why, but he was terrified of them. Roger (the pokemon trainer) said something about Lucario, but didn't want to mention anything else. The pokemon took the clue, and returned into their dorm. Everyone else returned to their dorms, except Pit, who was already done dressing up.

"Hi Fox," he said cheerfully. Fox raised his eyebrow.

"How are you the calmest male in this mansion?" They started walking for the huge living room, A.K.A. the meeting room. "I mean, in angel years, you're 16. Isn't that supposed to be the stressful year in your life? And you're not even interested in other people!" Pit shrugged, smiling.

"Oh well, I'll just die a virgin. Anyway, there aren't any other angels in Smash Mansion."

"There are a lot of humans who have their eye on you."

"I'd outlive any mortal; I've got thousands of mortal years ahead of me." Pit looked outside a window. "A hurricane?" Fox smirked.

"It's a good thing I made that hurricane proof shield for Smash Mansion."

"Who knew a bunch of plastic cups would block out a hurricane? I was going to go out to fly for a bit, oh well, tomorrow then." Zelda's voice echoed in Fox's head. _"Too damn optimistic." _"Anyway, I wonder what Master Hand wants with us? Wolf said something about a new invention, Fox. What is it?"

"It's a portal that allows us to go to the real world, although what Master Hand wants with it, I'm not sure…" Pit's wings flapped.

"The real world? I wish I could go…"

"Why couldn't you go?" His wings flapped again. "Oh…"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it, Fox. I can stay here if you guys ever went to the real world. Unless you have some invention that can hide wings," said Pit jokingly. Fox heard a hint of sadness and hope behind the words. Fox was spared the pain of answering when they entered the meeting room. Everyone else was already there, not counting Marth and Roy. Luigi was burnt to death, but no one really cares about that jerk. Now all they had to do was wait for Master Hand.

Roy plummeted into the room with a torch, singeing everyone's hair, fur, and feathers. The Smashers looked at each other. Change of plans, kill Roy, and then wait for Master Hand.

**Author's note: **Don't worry, I'll get to the reason the story is called 'The Real World's Zoo' in the next chapter.


	2. Crazy's Daughter

**Author's note: **Yay! Some people reviewed! Hope you like the next chapter!

Master Hand came in to the room, to see Roy tied up and hanging over a pot. Everyone was crowded around the pot, except Pit, who was against 'mortal cruelty', Fox, who was wondering why the day involved so many bananas, and Marth, who, even though he hated Roy, was more 'civilized' than the others. Yeah, Marth, bullshit. Anyway, everyone who was around the pot was throwing, to Fox's dismay, bananas in.

"What in the name of my brother are you doing?!" yelled Master. They all turned around.

"Jesus! Jesus has saved me!" yelled Roy. Marth and Fox sweatdropped, while Pit giggled.

"Are we seriously the only sane people in the whole mansion?" moaned Marth. He glanced over to Fox, who was giving him a withering look. "Um… People and animals?" Fox was satisfied.

"Should I be insulted by that?" thought Pit out loud. "Oh well, I guess I pass as a person…" Master was taking Roy down from the stick he was hanging from. Roy began bowing in front of Master.

"I worship you," said Roy. Marth facepalmed. Fox muttered, "At least it's not a banana." Pit giggled even more.

"Okay, enough of that. EVERYONE SIT DOWN!" yelled Master. They all started to grumble. "NOW BASTARDS!" They all sat where they stood.

"Okay, have any of you been to a zoo?"

"Yes," said Lucas, Ness, and Roger. Roy jumped over to them.

"REALLY?!" he yelled in Lucas' ear, making him cry. "Are there Hefalumps?" Ike grabbed Roy by the collar.

"This is what I get for letting the Kirby group take care of Roy. They let him watch fucking 'Winnie the Pooh'!" muttered Ike. He dumped him on the floor. "Stay."

"Have any of you seen real world zoos?" There was silence.

"How do you expect us to have known?" said Lucario.

"TV?" suggested Pit.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!" everyone yelled at him. Roy appeared next to Pit.

"We're taking sides?" they asked in unison. Everyone twitched. _"They drive me insane…" _everyone thought, while Pit and Roy looked innocently at them.

"Long story short, we're going to the real world's zoo, using Fox's machine," said Master. Everyone either had an 'I-knew-it' look on their face, or 'That's-so-f-ing-boring!' look. Mewtwo raised his hand.

"No, you can't skip it." MGW raised his hand.

"Beep is not an excuse." Olimar raised his hand.

"I couldn't care less if you're still mourning the death of your Pikmin." Pichu, Pikachu, and R.O.B. raised their hands.

"Being a pokemon or a robot is not an excuse." Ike raised his hand.

"Yes, the pokemon are coming, Ike." Ike looked mortified. Peach, Samus, and Zelda raised their hands.

"Yes, I'm giving you time to get ready. I'll give you an hour. NOW FUCK OFF!" The room was empty in about two seconds.

_An hour later… _(TARDISreviewer wanted more Sonic, so I'll try…)

No one was there except Sonic after an hour. Master sighed. Naturally, the blue hedgehog would be the first Smasher there. The rest of the Smashers would either be sleeping, or thinking of a good excuse why they couldn't go.

"Sonic, could you do me a favour?" asked Master.

"I have a choice?" said Sonic sarcastically.

"Not really. Just go and pick the other Smashers up, would you?"

"Oh, duh." Sonic sped off

"Why do I have a feeling that somone is coming?" muttered Master.

_In the hallways…_

Donkey and Diddy ran past Sonic. _"Why are they going in such a rush?" _The rest of the Smashers trampled Sonic in their rush.

"WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?!" he screamed. Bowser turned around.

"Crazy Hand is on the loose! The younger Smashers decided to battle him!" Sonic gasped. The younger Smashers were the sixteen and unders. That was Pit, Roy, Marth, Ike, Zelda, Link, YL, TL, Roger, Lucas, and Ness. (I just made the FE characters younger because I really need them to act immature.) The majority of the crazy Smashers.

"Where are they?!" yelled Sonic.

"Pit's room!"

"How did Crazy Hand get there?!" Sonic sped away before Bowser could reply.

_Kid Icarus room…_

"YOU TORE UP MY WALLPAPER!! GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!"

"Calm down Pit."

"SHUT UP ZELDA!! NO ONE MESSES WITH MY WALLPAPER!!" Sonic arrived to find Pit kicking the shit out of Crazy Hand. Poor Crazy, I think he was half dead...

"The wallpaper," Roger explained to Sonic. If there was one thing that could make Pit furious, it was tearing up the cloud wallpaper he used for his room. Master came 'running' into the room.

"Crazy! What did I tell you about sneaking into Smash Mansion?" A girl who no one noticed came out of the shadows and made everyone scream and piss in their pants. The girl was an albino who wore a black dress with long sleeves, and the hem was up to her knees. She wore a gray sash, with two white swords on her sides.

"Let's hope he's dead, right uncle?" said the girl. Everyone looked at Master.

"Uncle?!" they yelled.

"That's Lunar, Crazy's daughter."

"DAUGHTER?!"

"My mother's human, sort of. She's a witch," explained Lunar. "Don't worry; I haven't inherited anything from either of them." She looked at Crazy in disgust. "Thankfully I didn't inherit anything."

"I hate to ask, but how did you…" said Lucas, "I mean, you know…"

"Sex? Dunno, have to ask uncle. Oh damn it, he's not dead." Crazy got up, and Lunar walked over to him.

"I told you that I didn't want to come here." Crazy started jumping all over the place.

"But going to the zoo is FUN! You'll LOVE it!" Lunar facepalmed.

"Just get out of here before you do any harm to these kids."

"Kids…?" said Marth, twitching.

"But…" began Crazy.

"Out," said Lunar in a meancing voice, "I'll explain everything to uncle." Crazy jumped out the window. Lunar turned to the group. "Shall we go then?"

_The living room…_

"So we have to cope with that kid for half a year?" C. Falcon asked. Master 'nodded'.

"Oh! She's coming to the zoo with us then? Yayers!" cheered Roy. "Welcome to Smash Mansion, friend!" He hugged her enthusiastically.

"Roy, have you already forgotten her name?" asked Link.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry…" Lunar shrugged.

"I don't care, my mother forgets my name all the time," she said. After all the Smashers introduced themselves (with side comments from Roy, TL, and YL, which got them bashed up) Master got their attention.

"Okay I'll split you into groups, okay?" he said.

Group 1: Bowser, Captain Falcon, Diddy Kong, Wario, Snake, Roger, Lucas

Group 2: Dr. Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, Ice Cimbers, Jigglypuff, R.O.B, Ness

Group 3: Luigi, Young Link, Yoshi, Sonic, Lucario, King DeDeDe, Olimar

Group 4: Mario, Toon Link, Falco, Ike, Mewtwo, Kirby, Mr. Game and Watch

Group 5: Peach, Link, Fox, Marth, Pichu, Meta Knight, Lunar

Group 6: Samus, Ganondorf, Wolf, Roy, Pikachu, Pit

"Wouldn't they notice us?" asked Bowser. "Not all of us are human, or properly dressed." He glanced at most of the Smashers.

"He's probably brainwashed the poor real world people," said Roger.

"Yes I have," said Master. "Now you can go to the real world without everyone staring at you!"

"Wait, aren't you coming?" asked Zelda.

"What makes you say that?"

"You said 'you' not 'we'."

"Say what?" said Luigi.

"I thought you were dead!" yelled Fox. He massaged his temples. "Never mind."

"Which zoo are we going to?" asked Yoshi.

"Taronga Zoo, in Australia," said Master.

"Is Australia a planet?" Olimar asked.

"No, it's a country."

"Like Hyrule?" asked TL.

"Yep, sort of. Except Australia is a real world country."

"Are you happy in the group you're in?" Ike asked Marth in a whisper.

"Are you kidding? Of course! Anything to have a break from the hyperactive wonder. I feel for Pit, though."

"Aww… I'm not with the new girl or Marth… Oh well, I'm with Pit! Yayers! Hey Pit, are there going to be any Hefalumps?" said Roy, hugging Pit. Pit was also slightly upset because he had taken interest in the new girl, but he hid his disappointment for the sake of his reputation. Pit looked at the girl. _"Crazy Hand's daughter, huh," _he thought.

"I'll let you all have a map each, and some money. If you lose one of your group members, you have to skip dinner," said Master. Everyone yelled in protest. Fox booted up his invention.

"All ready," he said after a few minutes.

"Good, NOW SCRAM!" yelled Master. Everyone jump through the portal that led them to the real world…

**Author's note:** What do you think? Good? Bad? So stupid you decided to only read the author's notes?


	3. When They're Left By Themselves

**Author's note: **Yay! Someone reviewed! By the way, I have been to Taronga Zoo, so I'm not making anything up about the zoo. Anyhoo, enjoy!

"OH MY GOD! THEY HAVE BETTER FASHION SENSE THAN US!" yelled Roy. A lot of people stared at them. "HI EVERYONE I'M…!" Ike canonballed into Roy to get him to shut up.

"Overall, they're all dressed the same," mumbled C. Faclon. A boy came up to them.

"Dude, are those wings real?" asked the boy to Pit. Pit's wings flapped uncomfortably.

"Yeah…" The boy, who seemed satisfied, walked away. Pit glared at the sky. "I thought Master brainwashed all the people. Oh well…" Pit walked off.

"Oi, Pit! Where are you going?" asked Diddy Kong.

"I saw a food stand over there…" began Pit. Kirby sped over to Pit.

"WHERE?!" Pit pointed where the food stand was. Kirby screamed while running in the indicated area.

"KIRBY!" yelled Mario. "WAIT FOR US! WE WON'T GET DINNER IF YOU LEAVE US BEHIND! YOU BASTARD!" Mario, TL, Falco, Ike, and MGW ran after Kirby. Mewtwo sighed, before walking slowly after his group. After a while, all the groups went their separate ways…

_Group one…_

"That is just cruel," said Diddy, looking at the people taking pictures with the koalas.

"It's a zoo, Diddy, did you expect anything else?" said Snake, yawning.

"Do you want to take a picture Lucas?" asked Roger. Lucas shook his head, and patted his pet snake.

"Chicken," muttered Bowser.

"P.K. THUNDER!"

"OUCH!" Bowser stepped on a peacock, which started killing all the visitors. Then the crazy bird turned to them. They didn't bother running, because Snake just shot it. Then a real estate agent appeared out of no where.

"Shit, run!" yelled C. Falcon. Group one fled for their lives.

"Wait! I'm on vacation!" called the real estate agent.

_Group two…_

"Hey, wanna go in here?" Dr. Mario asked his group. Zelda looked inside the cage. People could go into the cage and see the animals almost face to face.

"Oh my God! That is the cutest thing ever!" yelled Zelda, pointing at the baby kangaroo. (It's Australia, expect anything else?) "We just have to go inside!" Zelda sped into the cage.

"Did she read the sign that said 'Do not touch the animals'?" asked Popo. Nana shook her head.

"Doubt it," she answered. The rest of the group followed Zelda into the cage. When they entered, a kangaroo hopped on R.O.B.'s head, which made the already unstable robot insane. It started shooting lasers everywhere, and the Smashers and the visitors ducked. One of the lasers killed the kangaroo that Zelda was hugging. Zelda noticed that the kangaroo she was holding was limp, and her eyes turned red. Ness stood up.

"If you value your lives, RUN!" Everyone, except some random person who was ranting about bananas, fled the cage. A few seconds later, the cage exploded, and Zelda came out.

"Where's R.O.B.?" asked Jigglypuff. Zelda threw a robotic arm at the pokemon.

"Holy crap…" whispered Donkey Kong.

"So where are we going next?" said Zelda, with a huge smile.

_Group three…_

"What's that?" asked YL, pointing at the sky where there was smoke.

"Who cares?" said Sonic. YL shrugged.

"True." They were staring at the crocodiles floating calmly on the water. Lucario yawned.

"This is boring," he said.

"Then let's make it more interesting," said YL. He took out his sword and smashed the glass. An alarm beeped like mad. The crocodiles went out through the broken glass, and the real world people started panicking.

"… Were we allowed to do that?" asked Luigi. The crocodile grabbed him, and Luigi died the second time that day.

"Who cares?" said King DeDeDe. YL jumped into the empty crocodile enclosure.

"Swimming time!" he yelled, taking off his tunic.

"God, am I glad he's wearing something underneath that tunic," mumbled Yoshi. Some other random kids jumped into the crocodile enclosure. LOZ didn't get their 'second craziest' rank for nothing.

_Group four…_

"Kirby, when we get back to the video world, YOU OWE ME ONE MILLION RUPEEES!!" screamed TL. Kirby cringed. TL screamed so loud, that nobody heard the announcement from the loudspeaker about the crocodiles on the loose.

"It's weird how the real world people are so fascinated with rupees," said Mario.

"They said something about precious crystals," said Ike, who was walking as far as possible from Mewtwo. They stopped in front of the chimpanzee enclosure.

"Despicable," mumbled Falco. Mewtwo nodded in agreement.

"Beep," said MGW. Then the zoo keepers started throwing food into the enclosure. That set Kirby off.

"FOOD!" He jumped into the enclosure, but fell into the river. The rest of the group looked down.

"Mewtwo, could you…?" began Mario. Mewtwo was already bringing Kirby up.

"It would've been kinder to leave him in the river," said Ike.

"But then he wouldn't have given me back my rupees!" yelled TL.

"Oh, duh," said Ike. As they were walking away, Mario caught up to Ike.

"I thought you were ranked the craziest in Smash Mansion," said Mario. Ike hit Mario with his sword, and Mario flew, and fell into the chimpanzee enclosure.

"BRING SOME FOOD WITH YOU MARIO!" yelled Kirby.

"Ike," said TL.

"Hmm?"

"That was mean."

"… I fight for my friends."

"Oh…"

_Group five…_

"Where's the animals?" asked Peach.

"There's its ass," said Link.

"Where?" asked Fox.

"Right over there," said Link, pointing at a log.

"That's a log!" said Pichu.

"Inside the log!"

"I can see it," said Meta Knight.

"I can't see it!" yelled Peach.

"WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED IN THIS, DAMNIT?!" screamed Marth. Everyone ignored him. Lunar looked blankly at the glass. "You too?"

"No not really," replied Lunar. She turned to him. "The question is, why aren't you?"

"BECAUSE WHAT WE ARE LOOKING AT IS AN ANIMAL'S ASS!"

"Fair."

"I think it moved!" yelled Link. Marth faceplamed.

"Lunar, kill me." Lunar looked blankly at him, before smiling.

"Not very prince-like."

"SHUT UP AND KILL ME!"

_Group six…_

Everyone was putting their hands/paws over their ears, except Roy and Pit.

"Did you know that Ike keeps cameras on every corridor? Or that Marth used to take drugs? Or that…" babbled Roy.

"Shut up!" yelled Samus, but Roy continued.

"Pit, how come your ears haven't busted yet?" asked Ganon. Pit smiled at him.

"Because what he's saying is interesting!" he said cheerfully. Ganon and Wolf stared at him.

"Did you take drugs?" asked Wolf. Pit looked confused.

"What makes you say that?"

"Nothing…" Roy ran over to an enclosure with giraffes and zebras in it.

"PITTO-KUN!" screeched Roy. "LOOK AT THOSE HORSEYS! SOME ARE STRIPED AND SOME HAVE LONG NECKS! WOWIE!" The other visitors stared at him.

"Stupid son of a bitch," muttered Pikachu. Roy jumped over the fence, onto the back of one of the giraffes.

"WHEEEE!!" bellowed Roy. The giraffe trampled over the zebras, a banana, and the stalker real estate agent.

"I guess it's my job to get him," said Pit. He flew into the enclosure, and talked to Roy.

Roy was wiggling around so much that his sword slipped out of its covering. Pit noticed and flew down, trying to get the sword. But he was too late. The sword chopped off one of the zebra's heads, and a zoo keepers arm. Kids screamed, and adults yelled in disgust. One person said 'Awesome!' Roy laughed nervously.

"Whoops?"

**Author's note: **Hehe, I'm sick. I am sooo sick. I can't help it…


End file.
